I sometimes mourn the loss of a previous reality, now a distant memory. My life has been a succession of failed attempts to achieve or thrive. I repeatedly failed to the point that failing became the expectation and as I aged, I began to see failure, rejection, and loss as fabulous opportunities to make changes. I changed my location, my perspective, relationships, and lifestyles only to see that I was in a different scenario, different cast of characters, but faced with the same reactions. Over time, with more advanced life skills to choose whether to press on or bail, I mostly bailed.
Like a chameleon, I have once again reinvented myself to a another version of the persona that pleases me. And I like her. I have a new career in lumber sales, and am strangely enjoying it. I gave my life to educating others only to be sabotaged repeatedly. I am now in a competitive man’s world and happy to be free of self sacrifice and caring for others’ success. I say “fuck off” and refuse to be controlled, or manipulated, or labeled. I genuinely don’t give a fuck. But in a good way. When I sense I am repeating a doomed pattern, I quickly pivot. I am rebuilding my life to include only those people and things I want near me.
However people and things I loved, but who were fundamentally toxic to my well being, I miss occasionally, and mostly long for what could have been or should have been. But my image of what could have been differs greatly from what would have been. I quickly shift from that limiting drivel to images of my midcentury modern in Palm Springs or the Casa Linda I have my eye on in San Miguel. Mental mirages may become reality. My mind control is hopeful and creative and my nervous system is damn grateful I finally took control.
I was afraid that losing passion for another, or losing passion for travel, or losing the desire, any desire that brought me transitory joy would deteriorate into a depressing experience. Surprisingly not so. I found that peace and self love satisfies my now limited needs. I have been a master of self delusion and reflect that perhaps this state of centered being is another self deception and soon I will be immersed in another drama or heartbreak. Yet perhaps I have reached the pinnacle of my journey in life and all the good karma, the better choices toward self protection, the shedding of bitterness and victimization means that I am finally whole, completely devoid of the froth of adolescence. I have had a drama free year. So I have definitely changed because there was some delicious shit with which I could have lowered my vibrations, but standing back and observing others delve in and suffer is strangely intriguing and powerfully freeing.
When I think, oh, perhaps I should have fought back, or I should have realized earlier, or I should have chosen differently, I stop myself. A lifetime of needless worry, regret, misplaced values and oft projected norms or opinions choked my soul. I now direct my thoughts toward what in this moment pleases me: independence, freedom, peace, nature, those who are unselfishly kind to me. My days begin with positive thoughts, my cream cheese croissant, and a latte. When I think I had been abandoned or forsaken, I tell myself that I never abandoned me and I will always now consciously love and protect myself. When I wonder if I will ever be in a healthy relationship I realize I like being alone; sleeping in my bed with the window open, gaming as late as I want, or watching Midsomer Murders for the fifth time. I have hot water and an all white bedroom. I love my job and international travel has resumed.
I keep waiting for the old patterns to reemerge. Then I quickly stop the now outdated mindset and know that I am in control. I do have a few more situations to shed; decisions from the disco age still linger and are financially complex. But I will shed them when the move benefits me. In the meantime, I am not only feeling peace, now a state of being, but also feeling happy? A state I am learning to sustain and trust. This has been an arduous journey since childhood. I love being in my sixties. No regrets.